Field Notes from Ep. 6 - What if your bank account isn’t the problem? my money story $$$

There were seasons in my life where opening my bank app made my stomach turn—not because the number surprised me, but because of what it meant. Or rather, what I believed it meant.

About me. About my worth. About whether I was "doing life right."

I used to cry when I talked about money. Not because I was drowning in debt (though I have been), but because money had become entangled with shame. Shame for not saving enough. Shame for not earning enough. Shame for not knowing enough.

But what I’ve come to understand is this: money is never just about money.

It’s about energy. About emotion. About the way we see ourselves and what we think we deserve.

The Energetic Weight of Money

I grew up in a home where money meant structure. Budgets. Envelopes. Careful spending. I never worried about having enough—but I internalized a quiet rule: don’t be reckless.

And so, when I got older, I did what many do—I rebelled.

I swung to the other side: freedom without responsibility. I spent with abandon but also with guilt. And when life became unstable (cue: van life, two maxed-out credit cards, and prayers for $20), I felt more than financially stuck. I felt emotionally stuck. Energetically stuck.

I felt like I had failed.

Even when I got “back on track,” even when I paid off the debt and landed a secure job, the fear didn’t leave. Because my relationship with money hadn’t healed. It had only been managed.

Learning to Love Money Again

Then something changed.

I met someone (now my husband) who had done his own work with money. He wasn’t afraid to look. He didn’t flinch at the numbers. He treated money like a partner, not a punishment.

I was embarrassed. But I started talking. And crying. And learning.

→ I found YNAB (You Need a Budget), and it gave me structure that felt empowering, not restrictive.
→ I read “Happy Money” by Ken Honda, and it shifted my heart—not just my habits.
→ I started asking different questions—not “Can I afford this?” but “Do I want to spend my energy here?”

What I Know Now

Money is energy.

It can be happy or unhappy, depending on how it moves through your life.

Now, when I pay a bill, I say thank you.
When I earn money, I check in: “Was this aligned with who I am?”
When I spend money, I let it be intentional—not performative, not impulsive.

Money still isn’t perfect. But it’s honest now. It’s present. It’s resourced.

💭 Reflection Questions from the Episode:

→ Where in your relationship with money are you holding onto shame that wants to be heard?
→ What would it feel like to approach your money with curiosity instead of fear?
→ How might your relationship with money change if you treated every transaction as a moment of gratitude?

🖋️ My Own Reflections:

Where in your relationship with money are you holding onto shame that wants to be heard?
I still carry shame around not saving “enough.” But I’m learning that enough is not a number—it’s a feeling of safety, of sufficiency, of presence. And that starts inside me.

What would it feel like to approach your money with curiosity instead of fear?
Curiosity softens things. It lets me ask “why?” instead of “what’s wrong with me?” It helps me explore patterns instead of punishing myself for them.

🌱 Try This Prompt:

The next time you make a purchase—big or small—pause.
Place your hand on your heart.
Ask: “Does this reflect who I am and what I value?”
Then bless the money as it leaves. Let it be happy.